Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
