I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
