I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
