it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
