How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
