Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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