i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
