There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
