and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
