I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
