So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
