i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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