and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
