you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So much rum. So many feels.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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