my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i would punch a child for taco bell
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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