just tell him i said nine months
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
