Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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