If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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