After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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