4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
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It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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