Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
