dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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