This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
