Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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