I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
