Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
