I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
