I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
