he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
