; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
