____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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