Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
