Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
