On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
