You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
