So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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