Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
