I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He did a backflip because drugs
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
