google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
