She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
