Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
