why didn't you poke me back
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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