If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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