Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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