Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
