You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Drunk is a universal language darling
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
