I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
