Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
