i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
