gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
