I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
