I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
