you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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