I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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