we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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