Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
