I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
