Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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