wrigley field is MILF paradise
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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