i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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